Advantages of Verbal Communication
Verbal communication is far more precise than non-verbal cues. No matter how clear we believe we are being, different gestures have different interpretations between different cultures and even between two members of the same culture. One famous example is Richard Nixon’s use of the victory finger salute in Australia, as he was unaware that the gesture was a vulgarity there. However, verbal communication is most effective when combined with other forms of communication like body language and gestures to help cue the intensity of the verbiage.
Verbal communication is also the most effective way of explaining intangible concepts, as problem areas can be readily addressed and explained. Verbal communication also does not use natural resources in the way that technological methods or printing can.
Disadvantages Of Verbal Communication
Of course, this does not mean that verbal communication is the best option in every circumstance. From a legal point of view, verbal communication is sometimes problematic because there is a much smaller chance of an objective record. Verbal communication can also be quickly forgotten, especially if there are multiple points to consider. Additionally, there is always the possibility of miscommunications leading to angry responses or quick escalation of a situation that could be less intense in written form.Four Purposes of Communication
There are four basic purposes for communication. Almost all of these purposes are better served through verbal communication than other options like E-Mail or print.First, communication can be used to convey information. Of all the purposes of communication, this is the one that can be adequately accomplished through text-based media as well as verbally. Many businesses use E-mail or interoffice memos in this way. It is used simply to pass information such as meeting times or new policies from administration to employees.
Second, communication can be used to ask for help. Asking verbally for help has been shown to trigger natural empathy in the listener more than text-based communication. Often seeing the person asking for help increases the likelihood that a request will be granted. Like other verbal communication, verbal requests also mean that a request can be stated clearly and any miscommunication can be immediately rectified.
The third purposes of communication is to influence a listener or audience. This is the type of communication used by politicians. While this includes non-verbal cues like appearance and dress, the most important aspect is what words and syntax they choose to use. This is the most important component of influencing an audience.
The fourth and final form is entertainment. Once again there is a clear advantage to verbal communication over text-based communications. For example, most of the top comedians in the country make their living in live shows where they can readily interact with an audience rather than in text-based communication like books or websites.
Clarification And Understanding
There are over three thousand languages and dialects that are in use in the world. This variety means that communication can be a difficult problem to overcome. Even within the same language, people have different conceptions of the same word. Words do not have a meaning of their own, but are like placeholders or envelopes into which each individual puts their own particular meaning. Verbal communication allows for the most immediate feedback and clarification of words. Frequently, the same word has different meanings for different people depending on their own history, upbringing or social status. Direct verbal communication allows for clarification of these misunderstandings as quickly as possible.Styles of Communication
Assertive Communication
The most effective and healthiest form of communication is the assertive style. It's how we naturally express ourselves when our self-esteem is intact, giving us the confidence to communicate without games and manipulation.
When we are being assertive, we work hard to create mutually satisfying solutions. We communicate our needs clearly and forthrightly. We care about the relationship and strive for a win/win situation. We know our limits and refuse to be pushed beyond them just because someone else wants or needs something from us. Surprisingly, assertive is the style most people use least.
Aggressive Communication
Aggressive communication always involves manipulation. We may attempt to make people do what we want by inducing guilt (hurt) or by using intimidation and control tactics (anger). Covert or overt, we simply want our needs met - and right now! Although there are a few arenas where aggressive behavior is called for (i.e., sports or war), it will never work in a relationship. Ironically, the more aggressive sports rely heavily on team members and rational coaching strategies. Even war might be avoided if we could learn to be more assertive and negotiate to solve our problems.
Passive Communication
Passive communication is based on compliance and hopes to avoid confrontation at all costs. In this mode we don't talk much, question even less, and actually do very little. We just don't want to rock the boat. Passives have learned that it is safer not to react and better to disappear than to stand up and be noticed.
Passive-Aggressive Communication
A combination of styles, passive-aggressive avoids direct confrontation (passive), but attempts to get even through manipulation (aggressive). If you've ever thought about making that certain someone who needs to be "taught a thing or two" suffer (even just a teeny bit), you've stepped pretty close to (if not on into) the devious and sneaky world of the passive-aggressive. This style of communication often leads to office politics and rumour-mongering.
So now what?
Clearly, for many reasons, the only healthy communication style is assertive communication. Surely you can identify many people in your own life that favor each of the four styles. Most of us use a combination of these four styles, depending on the person or situation. The styles we choose generally depend on what our past experiences have taught us will work best to get our needs met in each specific situation. If you take a really good look at yourself, you've probably used each throughout your lifetime.
Understanding the four basic types of communication will help you learn how to react most effectively when confronted with a difficult person. It will also help you recognize when you are using manipulative behavior to get your own needs met. Remember, you always have a choice as to which communication style you use. If you're serious about taking control of your life, practice being more assertive. It will help you diffuse anger, reduce guilt and build relationships - both personally and professionally.
Situations
Have a look at these situations and decide how......a passive person would react
...an aggressive person would react
...a passive-aggressive person would react
...an assertive person would react
- You are trying to concentrate on some important work. However, a few of your co-workers are laughing and horsing around. What do you do?
- You are a secretary in a small company. One day, your boss asks you to get some cigarettes for him from the store across the street. What do you do?
- You are the head of your department. A young lady who works for you has started coming to work late everyday and is extremely moody. What do you do?
- Your boss has borrowed your laptop to do some work. He has had it for several hours and it is now time to go home. You really want to take it home to do some personal work. What do you do?
- Your boss walks up behind you when you are using the company phone for a personal call. "How much longer do you plan to be?" he asks. What do you do?
How to Be Assertive
What is assertive behavior?
"Christian wisdom makes one man more powerful than ten rulers in a city"
What is assertiveness & assertive behavior?
Assertive behavior is the ability to formulate and communicate one's own thoughts and wishes in a clear, direct and non-aggressive way! It's about knowing where you stand, and communicating from this starting point. You are more likely to get what you want, in half the time, and without treading on everyone's toes in the process - you can't lose!
What will being assertive do for me?
It will raise your self-esteem by showing you how to resist bully tactics and emotional blackmail without using aggression! People who develop good communication skills are able to defuse difficult situations. Naturally this will help in romantic relationships too. Far from being more difficult to deal with, being assertive will make you easier to deal with as people know where they stand. Assertive behavior also promotes a positive response in others!
How do we become who we are?
With life’s' knocks we pick up all sorts of behavior patterns good and bad that make us who we are. We end up assuming bad traits are part of our true self when in fact they're not. Just as it’s not good to be aggressive it's not good to let people walk on you. The answer in an age where people are increasingly resorting to bullying is to be assertive - or be an easy target! Being unassertive doesn't make you bad, but it stops you from using your full potential.
Children behave assertively!
Does a child offend you when it becomes upset? No - because it's not attacking you directly but expressing earnestly its wants and needs. To be successful in dealing with people we must express ourselves earnestly!
Does assertive behavior add anything to male/female relationships?
Yes! Anything that improves your communication skills will do this.
Assertive behavior is the ability to formulate and communicate one's own thoughts and wishes in a clear, direct and non-aggressive way! It's about knowing where you stand, and communicating from this starting point. You are more likely to get what you want, in half the time, and without treading on everyone's toes in the process - you can't lose!
What will being assertive do for me?
It will raise your self-esteem by showing you how to resist bully tactics and emotional blackmail without using aggression! People who develop good communication skills are able to defuse difficult situations. Naturally this will help in romantic relationships too. Far from being more difficult to deal with, being assertive will make you easier to deal with as people know where they stand. Assertive behavior also promotes a positive response in others!
How do we become who we are?
With life’s' knocks we pick up all sorts of behavior patterns good and bad that make us who we are. We end up assuming bad traits are part of our true self when in fact they're not. Just as it’s not good to be aggressive it's not good to let people walk on you. The answer in an age where people are increasingly resorting to bullying is to be assertive - or be an easy target! Being unassertive doesn't make you bad, but it stops you from using your full potential.
Children behave assertively!
Does a child offend you when it becomes upset? No - because it's not attacking you directly but expressing earnestly its wants and needs. To be successful in dealing with people we must express ourselves earnestly!
Does assertive behavior add anything to male/female relationships?
Yes! Anything that improves your communication skills will do this.
Steps to Being Assertive When Feeling Threatened
1) Pray God intervenes. God will act in your life if you genuinely want Him to. Conflicts and threatening situations can be defused if one party involved invokes God's healing power.
2) Use assertive behavior. During conflict situations a person may adopt four types of responses:
1) Passive – is appropriate at times (when dealing with someone who could be violent at any moment).
2) Sniper – is particularly tasteless and includes things like spreading rumors or withholding information.
3) Aggressive – is characterized by shouting, abusive language, obscene gestures, invasion of body space, aggressive postures and irrational behavior. This demonstrates lack of maturity.
4) Assertive – means feeling good about yourself, being aware of your rights and taking responsibility for your actions.
Examples of Assertive & Aggressive Behavior
Assertive please leave these premises I think your language is unacceptable I do not wish to continue this conversation . | Aggressive Get out! You are a rude bastard Shut your mouth |
Your Rights as an Assertive Person
1) You have five fundamental rights:
a. The right to speak and to be heard – no one else has the right to silence you.
b. The right to make errors – everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect.
c. The right to change your mind – your past thoughts, words, or actions should never control present or future ones.
d. The right to be responsible only for yourself and your actions – each person makes their own decisions, therefore, you are not at fault for others’ actions that resulted from their own decisions.
e. The right to say no – You are not obligated in any way to a course of action that you do not agree with.
2) When dealing with difficult people:
a. Who refuse to end a discussion: You have the right to terminate a conversation – Conversation requires two-way communication, your part of it doesn’t have to go on any longer than you want it to.
b. Who choose the wrong place or the wrong time for a discussion: You have the right to choose a proper place for a discussion – You are not required to take part in a discussion if the place you are in at the time is inappropriate (could offend, distract, or present a danger to yourself or others around you).
c. Who show you no respect: You have the right to be treated with respect – Every person deserves to be treated with respect, no matter who they are. And since you are a person, you deserve respect too!
Points to remember about showing respect
1) Don’t be intimidated by people who are on a higher level of assertiveness that you are. You can be assertive with people on a higher level than you as long as you show respect in words and actions.
2) Don’t fix blame or heap guilt onto any person with which you are communicating. "YOU" statements cause defensive responses promoting conflict. Negotiate, don’t browbeat or belittle.
Whenever there is a difference of opinion, assertive negotiation skills are vital to finding a mutually satisfying solution.
How to Negotiate Assertively
Alexander Wilson JP BSc (Psych.) PhD.
Alexander Wilson JP BSc (Psych.) PhD.
1) Listen attentively. This is the most important part of successful assertive negotiations.
a. Empathize with the other person. See things from their view so you remain calm and objective. People respond positively if they think you are willing to listen.
b. Summarize the key points of the problem to demonstrate you're listening and willing to cooperate.
2) Be sure your statements are correct. Vagueness will be seen as weakness and increase resistance.
a. If you request a person stop doing something which is offensive, say so with a firm, calm voice.
b. Always have an alternative solution ready. In most cases, you should be able to find several solutions.
c. Remember the way you feel about yourself and others comes out in the way you talk (from the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks)
3) Always give the other party opportunity to retreat without loss of face. A WIN-WIN solution is the most successful ending to confrontation. Use words and body language to defuse a confrontation. For example. "I am sure we can solve this problem together". What can I do to help this situation for you?
4) Don’t be pressured into making a decision. Decide if you want to say yes or no. You may need time to think it over - let the person know when you'll be ready. Know what you want.
5) Be sure you know what is being negotiated. Ask for clarification if you don't understand what is requested of you.
6) Make your “no’s” short and sweet. Be as brief as possible with a legitimate reason for your refusal. Avoid elaborate justifications as these may be used to argue you out of your "no."
7) Avoid confusion, make your refusal plain. Use the word "no". "No" has more power and is less ambiguous than, "Well, I just don't think so..."
8) Be sure your body language and your verbal language agree. Make sure your gestures mirror your verbal messages. Shake your head when saying "no." Often people unknowingly nod their heads and smile when they are attempting to refuse.
9) Make your choices clear. "I won't" or "I've decided not to" are better than "I can't" or "I shouldn't". This emphasizes that you have made a choice.
10) Stick to your decision once you have made it. You may have to decline several times before the person "hears" you. It is not necessary to come up with a new explanation each time, just repeat your "no" and your original reason for declining.
11) Remember, you have the right to end the conversation. If the person persists after you have repeated "no" several times, use silence (easier on the phone), or change the topic of conversation.
12) Remember, You have the right to say “no”. You may want to acknowledge any feelings another has about your refusal, "I know this will be a disappointment to you, but I won't be able to..." Don't say "I'm sorry". In most situations saying "I'm sorry" tends to compromise your basic right to say "no."
13) Remember, you have the right to be responsible only for yourself and your actions Avoid feeling guilty. It's not up to you to solve others' problems.
14) Look for WIN-WIN solutions. If you do not want to agree to the person's original request, but still desire to help them out, offer a compromise: "I will not be able to baby-sit the whole day, but I can sit for two hours." - You can also say "no" to a request you originally "said" yes to since it is also your right to change your mind.
Such a program could help to acquire a new set of responses and to be more effective in your interaction and communication with others. You would learn what to say or do in various situations, when to say it, and, importantly, how to say it. Getting a little bit ''people-smarter'' can't hurt and it can make you feel so much better about yourself.
Physical confrontation
Always create distance from the other party when involved in serious confrontation. If someone becomes physically violent, contact the Police.
Tips on Being Assertive Without Being Arrogant.
Assertiveness is vital to communicating effectively to others, but arrogance is counterproductive. This is because assertive communication is the straightforward and open expression of your needs, desires, thoughts and feelings. Assertive communication involves advocating for your own needs while still considering and respecting the needs of others, while arrogant, or Aggressive communication is a method of expressing needs and desires that do not take in to account the welfare of others. Those who communicate in an aggressive manner are generally perceived as selfish and unwilling to compromise. An aggressive communication style is usually linked to a desire to hurt others or exact revenge, or may reflect poor emotional development. ( http://socialanxietydisorder.about.com/od/glossarya/g/assertive.htm )
We must constantly be on our guard against falling into Aggressive rather than Assertive communication. How do we do this? These tips should be of help:
1. Check that you are using assertive communication appropriately. If you are new to assertiveness, or you're not feeling your usual self because of illness or stress, etc., you might be resorting to techniques that are more aggressive, passive aggressive, or making assumptions where there are none to be made, rather than being assertive. A quick check you can do is to think back through your comments and stance with the person in question and write down what you said. Read it back: Does it sound to you as if you were being assertive, or otherwise?
2. Check the context. Sometimes factors come into the equation that shouldn't. Race, gender, married status, age, disabilities, illness, and so on can sometimes cause a person to assume that you have an "attitude", rather than an assertive style of communication. If you suspect that this is the situation, continue with your assertive communication and consider whether it is worth raising your concern that your status might be causing negative responses from the person accusing you of being arrogant, or whether this might even be something actionable in your workplace, school, etc. environment.
3. Be an active listener. Letting people know your boundaries and feelings while at the same time allowing them space to talk, discuss, and open up about their feelings is important. Assertiveness is about give and take; you take a little of their time to clarify your feelings and you give a lot of your time to hear about theirs. Remember that a good listener is also a flatterer and it's hard to find arrogance in that!
4. Be humble and modest. Assertiveness and humility make a fine combination. An assertive person doesn't need to shout "Me, me, me, look what I did!" from the rooftops. Assertive people are remembered because they stand firm, their needs and interests are clear to others, and because they are reliable; they also frequently become a form of role model for others seeking to assert themselves effectively. Take this role to heart but don't boast, big note yourself or become pushy, no matter how clever, popular, or successful you might be.
5. Reflect over your communications with others and your purpose. While assertiveness is about ensuring that others respect you and what you want in life, it ceases to be assertive communication when you use assertiveness techniques to confuse or outwit someone where you're more knowledgeable, cashed up, or better off than another person. Assertive communication is not about "getting your own way". That's turning assertiveness into aggressive techniques of communication and that's when you'll be accused of being arrogant. Always think about the purpose of your communications - will it make you better understood, will it ensure that your needs are fully communicated, and will it still respect the other person's need to be clearly understood and well informed?
6. Remember that assertiveness techniques take time to learn and nobody gets it right all the time. Apologizing is a good response to a failure to communicate assertively though and there is always space to reopen that door to better communications
7. Don't take negative comebacks to heart. When you are faced with one of life's more challenging personalities, the best thing to do is to not take it personally. Sometimes it is your self-assurance that is a cause of irritation for less secure people and their response is to try and weevil their way in through criticism. This is never a reason to fall back into old patterns of unhealthy communication styles. Simply reassert whatever your point is and choose to leave it there. It is something they can work on with the full enlightenment on where you stand
8. Seek the middle way. Sometimes if you're placed in a position of having to choose between differing viewpoints in a group, there might be accusations of arrogance against one division by the other. Always consider the possibility of being able to acknowledge both sides of the argument and finding the middle way to draw the concerns together. You don't necessarily have to solve the situation but you can be a powerful facilitator to the group finding an answer to its division through your assertive communications. In such situations, inform everyone that the situation is not one for blame, not one for recriminations, and not one for finding fault. Instead, help people to see that there is a chance for compromise by showing them where each has made assumptions about the other or the facts of the situation, while still upholding your own belief or opinion. And suggest that they have another look at things to reach a compromise.
· Remember: Arrogance includes feelings of superiority, elitism, snobbery, or smugness. If you are experiencing any of these, you risk being rude to other people rather than making a genuine connection through assertive communication and active listening. It's more likely that your assertiveness will pertain to getting what you want but not to creating a reciprocal relationship with another person whom you consider to be beneath your level for whatever reason. That lack of genuineness undermines the whole point of assertive communications and means that it's time for a rethink of the insecurities or elitist attitudes that might have crept in unnoticed. Even the most practiced assertive communicators can have a weak moment when they fall by the wayside and need to rechart their course; no shame in that, just do it.
